We are broken to rebuild
Updated: Dec 13, 2019
I've always been a believer that everything happens for a reason. Things in life can break us, but usually we break to rebuild.
Sometimes, we are broken because where we are isn't where we are meant to stay. Sometimes, we are broken to find something better, something we never knew existed. Sometimes, we are broken for reasons we will never understand. But, I do believe that it's all meant to bee. All for a reason. All part of our journey. All the good and all the bad. Some things are just a crack in our soul and some break us to the core. The hardest part is taking that first step to get back up and move forward. But step by step, you will be stronger than you were before. Maybe happier than you ever were. Maybe brought to a place you never saw coming.
I speak of this from many different experiences. But what hit me the hardest, was within two months, my youngest son died and I began going through a very devastating divorce. Both have given me very different perspectives. As hard as it may be to understand, I know that both are part of my journey.
Through a lot of spiritual reflection, I do believe that my son was my gift for his six years on this earth, sent to me for a reason. I believe whole heartedly that he was sent from my mom who had passed away five years to the day before he was born. He always knew when I needed a hug and loved me with all of this being. When he passed away, I knew that my other three boys couldn't grow up to think what they were seeing was normal in our house. What they saw was a bad marriage, a toxic environment, and not a great example of how to treat your partner. I had the courage to leave my marriage. Not because I was brave, but because I saw things so clearly. Losing my son, of course, broke me to the core, but it also changed my perspective. My life would never be the same but it definitely wasn't over.
My separation came two months after Devin died. Two major losses in such a short time. Both broke me but in very different ways. But I moved forward. Step by step, sometimes minute by minute. I learned a lot. I did everything in my power to save my son, but maybe he saved me. I believe that my reason on this earth is bigger, bigger than I ever thought and Devin is still guiding me with his soul.
I know that I have a chance to make a change, to be the difference. For my boys. For myself. For some many others. Knowing that Devin was my gift and truly believing that he was sent to me for a reason, all of our children are, makes is possible for me to move forward with all he taught me.
I try not to look at my marriage in vain. People often ask why I didn't leave earlier. I wasn't ready, I wasn't supposed to be. I am grateful that I have four beautiful boys because of that marriage. I don't know if I would be ok today if I had to split my time with Devin when he was terminally ill. Thankfully, that wasn't my journey, and hopefully I still have half of my life to live. I am grateful to know what I want and don't want in a partner. My marriage taught me a lot too.
Two devastating losses broke me, but have also made me stronger in a way I never thought possible. I have a different perspective with what's important and what's not. I am a different parent because of it (always a work in progress!!). It's made me think about how to treat people, to chose who I surround myself with, what I do for a living, and how I spend my free time.
Hopefully, when we break, we rebuild stronger, in time happier and see the world slightly different. Someone once told me that your life is like a tapestry. A colorful story that most people don't see until the end of their life. But, when you have had something that breaks you, you are forced to look at the backside of that tapestry. The way all the different colorful threads are woven together to make that beautiful picture of your life.