Space for grace
If you know me, even a little, you know that I don't believe in coincidences. Everything from a thought, a chance meeting, to the things that make your heart want to explode with joy and the disasters that make your heart shatter to tiny pieces. I have always believed this, which has given me space for grace. Over the years, my understanding of the word "grace' has changed. I was born on a Tuesday. My mom used to always tell me that Tuesday's child is full of grace, and it always made me laugh. I am definitely not graceful- in the physical sense. Now, I know that wasn't what she meant.
I am Catholic, I was raised that way and have raised my boys with that faith. But, when Devin died, I struggled- going to Sunday mass wasn't comforting anymore. All I could think about was my baby in front of the alter in a casket. Instead of connecting with the weekly message it was literally crushing me. I believe in God, I pray every night. But part of my prayers have changed. Instead of praying for what isn't or what I don't want to happen, I pray for what is. This is in part because of my shift. My faith now includes a spiritual connection with the universe. I've always been intuitive, but the past three years have been such a learning process for me. I've been so fortunate to have spiritual teachers who have guided me.
People often ask me (or mostly ask my friends) how I am doing. I went through hell, for two years, everything I knew changed. It's like living through the most powerful earthquake and then all the after shocks. At some point, as hard as it is, you have to step back and trust. Trust that this is your journey, there is a purpose. Losing a child, was my worst nightmare that became a reality. But Devin's impact has been so much greater than I could have ever imagined. I truly believe that the world is a little kinder because of my little super hero. He has brought so many people lessons and inspiration and I believe that he has brought so much awareness to Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma. My son will be a part of finding a cure, making a difference. Devin has led me to so many DIPG families, who I have been able to listen and help in their darkest time. That is just the beginning.
I have already been through the worst, which in some regards puts fear way down on my list. It allows me to surrender to hope, with my whole soul. Hope for what's meant to bee and to allow that to happen with an open mind. I am still such a work in progress, it's not always easy, but I fully trust my journey.
Trust in your journey. Allow space for grace, positive energy, and an openness to how you see things.